I lost my Grandad at the age of 11, it hit me really hard, it was the first death I had experience and it pretty much shaped my teens, for years I really struggled with his loss. A few years after his death the breakdown of our relationship with my Nan (his wife) started. I'm not going to go into the details because I don't want to and I don't see the point in bringing it all up again, but we kinda became estranged from her. We would pick up on little developments in her life but contact was nonexistent.
Couple of weeks ago we found out that she had actually died...in 2018, only found out because my dad checked the death register when another estranged family member could(should) have told us...
I was surprised at how I felt about it all, while I probably hadn't spoken to my Nan in maybe 10 years, I was pretty cut up about it and I guess I still am because I'm writing a bloody blog post about it to try and process it. I did cry over it, but the reality is a part of me felt like she died all those years ago because she just wasn't in my life. Then when we found out more about how she died and all of sudden I thought about how she might have felt or what she experienced. It's difficult because internally I am battling between rational thought vs emotion
Rational thought : My nan hasn't been in my life for so long, she wasn't particularly the nicest person and whether she is dead or alive it has very little impact on my day to day
Emotion: I still have some wonderful memories, I spent a part of my childhood running around her garden and just being in her house and she was still my nan.
That's the thing about loss, the impact varies so much between each person and for me, in this case the pendulum swings wildly between rational thought and emotion. I still don't know how I feel about it all, but I think that's ok...
Losing someone you barely see anymore is weirdly intense, like part of you already said goodbye but another part still holds on to the memories. Your post really captures that mix of numbness and emotion. Reading this made me think of how messy family ties can be, even when time passes. If anyone else stumbles here feeling the same, they might find some comfort in processing it slowly, like you’re doing with your blog. Also, just throwing it out there, saw some info at kolkata ff that might be useful for random stuff online.
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